Friday, January 27, 2012

So here I am.

A new day.

Today marks 10 years cut-free and 10 years without alcohol.

I'm proud of myself.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

I survived.

"A scar does not form on the dying. A scar means I survived." --Little Bee by Chris Cleave

We've all got scars from our past--some physical, some emotional, some hidden from all eyes to see, others are painfully obvious. When I was a youth minister, I was always looking for new ice-breaker activities for retreats and events. I remember one specific icebreaker sparked conversation by saying, "Tell the other person about a scar you have, and how you got it."

I have a scar on my wrist. When I was 6 years old my brother and I were fighting over who got to sit in the front seat of the car. We decided to race to the door, and whoever got there first would win. I ran with all my might--I was in the lead! I put out my hands to stop myself on the door and--my hands went a little too high. Our door was 1/2 glass and 1/2 wood, and I put my hand right through the glass. I remember all the blood, the EMTs coming to our house, the shot and 3 stitches I got at our doctor's office.

I have many more scars. At least a hundred. They're smaller, and less noticeable than the one on my wrist... but they're there. I see them every single day. Tiny reminders of a life that seems like a movie I watched more than something I actually went through. But the scars, they speak to me. I survived.

Ten years ago today was the last time that I ever cut myself. Ten years ago today was the last time that I ever had a drink of alcohol. Ten years ago, I didn't have the strength to stop myself from barreling down the path of destruction that I was on. But my friends did, and I am so very thankful to them for that. I would count the days that I would go cut-free. For the longest time 43 was my "record." But today? It has been 3652 days since I last cut myself. 3652!

I survived.

I didn't think I would.

I survived.

And I'm so glad that I did.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Who am I kidding?

This blog is for me. I'm not good with writing things down but I don't mind pulling up Blogger once per day to chronicle how I'm doing towards my goal.

I have a love-hate relationship with showering. Sounds weird, I know. I have the option of showering when I get up in the morning or at night before bed (after the kids are asleep). I don't like showering in the morning--it wakes me up, but it also means my hair is wet when I go to work (me and a blow dryer do not belong in the same room). I usually put it in a bun or twist if that is the case, but that results in my neck being cold and my hair still being wet when I get home. Plus, my office is an icebox. So if my hair is wet when I go in, I need to be wearing an extra layer of clothing to keep me warm(er). If I shower at night, I go to bed with wet hair. And helloooooo bedhead. It's hard to tame in the morning. Last night I opted to shower at night. I think the key is to do it AS SOON as the kids go to bed so that it's mostly dry by the time I go to sleep. Unfortunately, I attempted to do this, and it woke J up, because the headboard of her bed is against the wall shared with our shower. Hmmm....

So for today I decided to focus on my hair. I left it down. Doesn't seem like a big deal, but to me it is. I hate the feeling of my hair on my neck--the way it curls behind my ears and on to my neck, specifically. I usually throw it back in a ponytail but since that seems to be my "signature look" I decided to defy that today. I do have the front of my hair pulled away from my face, but I am suffering through my hair being around my neck.

Oh, and I'm hitting the gym after work. My first time since last week... but I had a cold and that kept me away.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Baby steps...

I already feel like this blog is lacking in direction. All my posts are just going to be a list of "I did this." I just want to chart new developments.

So this weekend saw me NOT working out as planned. Saturday was a juggle with a tired/teething baby and although I had time to go there were other things to get done so it got skipped. Dang it.

Yesterday for lunch I tried the 3rd new food since Jan 1st, 2012. Doesn't seem like a big deal but for me it is. But I'm trying to expand my palate. I've tried kale, arugula, and now brussel sprouts so far. I've got a whole list of foods I want to try.

I'm wearing different earrings to work today. Yes, big deal. I always wear simple silver hoops. In fact, I usually leave them in for months and months at a time. But last night I decided that today I would wear jewelry. I wear jewelry so infrequently that I discovered that ALL my necklaces are in one tangled pile, so I decided to forgo a necklace and just wear different earrings. It's the little things in life.

In other non-me-centered news, D and I moved L to his own bedroom last night. We still got a horrible night of sleep (he cried at 11, 12, 12:30, 1, and 2:00 but then slept through until 7:10), but hopefully in a few days we'll all be adjusted and it will go well. The crib freed up a HUGE amount of space in our room, and we're planning on "downsizing" our bed soon so there will be more room after that.

Friday, January 20, 2012

Much better.

Last night I was determined to try something new--to try to get our evening routine on a more even keel. I got home with J and L and had J sit down for a snack while I brought L upstairs to throw in a load of laundry. Then I put L in his high chair and gave him a snack while J did her homework. Once dinner was ready, we all sat down to dinner together. After dinner we turned on the music and danced/played instruments. L had a bottle and then we headed upstairs. J set up her animal figurines for us to play with while I dressed L for bed, brushed his teeth, and put him down for the night. J and I played with the animals for 15 minutes (until I knew L was really asleep), then I put the clothes in the dryer and we went downstairs to bake a cinnamon cake for an event we're going to tonight. While the cake was baking we went back to J's room and played Zoobles together. When it came time for her to put her PJs on and brush her teeth, I went downstairs and turned off the oven and took out the cake. I tucked her in for bed and snuggled with her for a bit until she was asleep. After she was out, I went downstairs and picked up the living room, unloaded and loaded the dishwasher. By 9:30 I was done with my chores, both kids were asleep, and I was feeling so relaxed.

It was such a GREAT night. And the best part? We didn't turn on the TV or computer at home ALL DAY yesterday. I'm thinking that needs to become the norm. When I pointed it out to J, she was surprised, in a good way. Of course, this morning she came down stairs and immediately turned on the TV. But we turned it right off....