Thursday, January 19, 2012

Two steps forward, one step back.

Martin Luther King day meant D and J had the day off while I worked and L went to daycare. They took advantage of the "lazy day" and did pretty much nothing all day. OK, J did pretty much nothing. D doesn't know how to relax, so he vacuumed, cleaned his car, did some house organizing, etc. He swears he did relax, though.

There was a movie J wanted to see--D had already taken her to see it once but she wanted to see it again. I knew D wasn't a fan, so I offered to take J to see it on Monday night. It was nice to go out, just her and I--we don't do it very often. We watched the movie (which was meh, but she loves it) and then had a great conversation on the way home. I admit, my relationship with J is one that I need to work on. A lot. As she has gotten older we have butted heads more and more. I've gotten caught up in the "to do list" and busy-ness of our nights and have neglected her more than I should. But moving forward...

Then last night comes around--the usual, getting both kids fed, homework done, both ready for bed, etc. all within an hour and a half of time. J was doing her homework while I cooked dinner and L sat on the floor at my feet whimpering because he was hungry (this is typical, but giving him a snack fills him up so he doesn't eat dinner). She finished her homework just as dinner was being set on the table. We all ate together, then I got L ready for bed while she watched Phineas and Ferb. When L was down for the night and her show was over, I got her bedtime routine started. Put her to bed, tucked her in, went to clean up the dining room table and took a glance at her homework. 80% of it was done wrong. She just does not read the directions. Not at all. And she's lazy--she wants to get it done so she does it in a hurry. One assignment she had to look up a word of her choice in the dictionary and then write the definition. She wrote the word (misspelled it) and then wrote her own definition. Misspelled the word 3 different times in her writing. Then she had to re-write sentences using abbreviations. (Like write "Mister Jones went to the doctor on Tuesday." as "Mr. Jones went to the Dr. on Tues.") Well instead, she wrote, "Mr. Dr. Tues."

This is not the first case of her doing only the bare minimum, and it's also not the first time she's said homework is "too hard" when it's not. (As soon as you read something to her she "gets" it.) And this also isn't the first time I've discovered homework not done correctly, meaning more homework to do the following night. And I just sat down and cried.

I'm so far in over my head some days, it seems. I'm juggling too many balls in the air. It's affecting my health (I've been sick--AGAIN--for the 2nd or 3rd time in a matter of weeks), it's affecting my mental health, it's affecting my relationship with the kids and D, it's affecting my job performance.

D came home and was rather frustrated with her homework as well. And he sees it--how burnt out I'm getting. I have been doing this all "on my own" for so long now. Even when people are around to help I don't know what help to ask them for because I have no idea--I just do it all. I never signed up for this to be a lifetime thing. D working a 2nd job was supposed to be temporary. But here we are, married for 8 years, and he's still doing it. He's burnt out, too. He told me last night he wants to drop one shift per week. I'm hoping he does it, but I'm not waiting with baited breath. We've been here before. I've heard these words before.

Two steps forward, one step back. This is a nice little salsa we're dancing...

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